Realizing it was within me all along...

It's 1:22 am, and I am a happy girl.

The past few nights have been riddled with tears, and fears, and anxiety about what's next. But tonight I feel proud of myself for doing what needed to be done to bring my dreams to life.

Tomorrow, Erin is looking at an apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn for me that I know in my heart is the one. On December 14th, God willing, I will walk out of my appointment with the US Consulate with my Visa in hand. The next day I will apply for the American SIN number, open my US bank account, and apply for my first American credit card. Between now and then, I'll move my first load of things from Ottawa to NYC, and this move will officially be real with me living in Brooklyn in the New Year.

Woah.

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I've been making lists on Google Docs of move to-dos, and creating budget after budget on Sheets for months. I've been meticulously searching through PadMapper and Craigslist weekly looking for the perfect place to live. The first few months are going to be tight in the city, but it's all for good reason -- getting to NYC to work side-by-side with Erin in the final six-months before the launch of Dream, Girl, our greatest project to date.

Tonight I went through the thick, coiled, broken-down-by-section visa application that my law firm prepared for me. As I turned each page I realized how critical each step in this journey has been.

Starting contracting as a registered Sole Proprietorship in 2012 to... 

Section 1.
Becoming a Canadian Corporation a few months later with share certificates indicating my 100% ownership of my company, KoMedia Inc.

Section 2. 
Hiring the best accountant I know three years ago to guide me through my start-up years and to build out my financial statements for my first few years in business, and now setting us up for payroll.

Section 3.
Attending grad school at Waterloo my first year in business, giving me a post-grad diploma that enabled a deeper understanding and expertise.

Section 4. 
Working with Canadian clients who took me from Vancouver to India, and helped me learn so much about my craft, my talent, and my passions for social change.

Section 5.
Establishing meaningful contracts with Dream, Girl and others in the US that allow me to work the way I want to work, and to dream as big as I want to dream.

Section 6.
My latest resume that so nicely lists everything I deem 'noteworthy'.

As I closed the bound 'book' of an application, I felt elated. I did this. Everything listed here. I created. I am taking this risk of moving to NYC. I took that first risk of reaching out to Erin and listening to the pounding heart beat in my chest that told me Dream, Girl was meant to be my life. 

I did this.

I am the first to give thanks to those who have enabled me to get here, but tonight, I am going to pause and give praise to myself. I am making it through the tear-filled nights, and days filled with endless to-do lists and stresses, I am moving to the 'concrete jungle where dreams are made of' (thank you Alicia Keys). I am hopelessly romantic about the future of my companies, and the impact Erin and I will make on this big beautiful world.

If anything, I want this post to be a reminder for you, and to my future self, that regardless of how hard things may seem in this moment, how far-fetched that dream or idea may be, YOU are the only thing standing in your way.

Some nights I struggle to fall asleep because of the fear I feel with what's next. I own a home in Ottawa. I live with the love of my life and one of our best friends. I could stay here, and live a long, content, enriching life.

But I want more. I want to push myself to another level of curiosity, of determination, of grit. I want to keep pushing, every single day.

This is not easy. Every day I question what I've done, flippantly attributing it to the luck of the draw I've had in life. But in this moment I am willing to say, I didn't have to take this path. But I have actively chosen everyday of my life to work towards being better. To giving meaningfully to this world in a way that will drive me until the day I die.

My life is so insignificant when I realize the vastness of the universe, or even, the depth and length of human history. All I can do is try my best, and throw down every day. I am choosing love over fear, I am choosing to see myself instead of hiding from my own light.

I am doing this. And so can you.